Update: Mom is still with us. In case there was any doubt.
In the roller-coaster ride of dementia care, there are times when you think you’ve lost your loved one. Every time she can’t do something she used to be able to do automatically, you think, “Oh, she’s left us.” But she rallies, or you open your mind, or both, and you realize that although she’s different now, she’s still with you.
Flashback: When I was about ten, Mom took my friend Vikki and me to Six Flags Over Georgia, a huge amusement park. It was a two-hour drive from our hometown, so every visit was a special occasion.
In those days, there was only one roller coaster in the park, the Dahlonega Mine Train, and it was my favorite ride. My friends and I were accustomed to waiting in long, snaking lines to reach the platform, where we’d be strapped into mine cars by a gaggle of teenage summer workers, their adolescent swagger and easy camaraderie adding to the excitement of venturing underground without our parents.
This summer day, miraculously, the park was not crowded, and there was no line. Vikki and I rode that roller coaster once, twice, three times . . . and each time we emerged, we dashed back to the entrance, where my mother sat waiting for us on a shaded bench.
“Can we ride it again?” we begged, breathlessly.
“If you want to,” Mom said.
Vikki and I raced through the zigzag rows of handrails to the platform, and rode the mine train 36 times – a new record, at least for us. (We couldn’t wait to get to school that fall and tell our friends.)
Looking back, I wonder at the patience my mother had, sitting on a bench in the Georgia heat, letting two little girls run and ride in circles. By that time, Mom was probably already seeing glimpses of her own mother’s dementia, the roller coaster she would soon be riding.
It occurs to me now that we may have been in Atlanta that day so that Mom could take care of her aging parents. Vikki and I rode to Atlanta several times and played, while Mom tended to her dying father and demanding mother. Maybe that trip to Six Flags happened on a weekday when Nanny needed help with shopping or the checkbook. Maybe it was the day Nanny said her purse had been stolen and Mom found it under the kitchen sink. Whatever. It was a happy day for two little girls at an amusement park.
The thing about roller coasters is this: you have to roll with them. The ups and downs and crazy turns are built in. You can fight them, or your can put your hands up in the air, let the wind whip through your hair, and accept the fact that you are not in control. You can be terrified, or you can have fun.
I still get frightened by Mom’s dementia. I think fear and frustration are built into the ride. I will never get used to seeing her abilities slip away. I will never stop feeling a clutch in my stomach when she’s distressed; in fact, I think I’m wired to react to pain in her voice, the way new mothers physically react to their baby’s cry. And because she’s my mother, there will always be things about her that drive me a little bit crazy. But I also have fun with her. In the midst of a long uphill struggle, she can still make me laugh.
The other day, when she was feeling particularly low, I put my arms around her and hugged her tight.
“I love you, Mommy,” I said.
She hugged me back and said, “Oh darling, I love you, too. If I didn’t love you so much I’d move in with you.”
Whoosh! The sheer joy of her joke – unexpected, truthful, wise – rushed up and propelled us forward. We broke into gales of laughter, like two little girls barreling downhill on their favorite roller coaster.
Oh yes, Mom is still with us. She’s right beside me, on the ride of a lifetime.
The Dahlonega Mine Train at Six Flags over Georgia. Photo c. 2005, coasterimage.com