My husband and I hit the road recently to visit his mother, who has moved into a nursing home. She’s been in assisted living for several years, but she recently fell and broke her hip, so she needs more care.
I haven’t written about my mother-in-law, partly because her life is her own business, and partly because I’ve been focused on my own mother’s journey. But she is a piece of my dementia-care puzzle. She’s one of the many reasons I’m passionate about old people.
My “other mother” Charlotte has been part of my life since I was 13. My husband and I grew up on the same street, and one of our earliest dates was baking cookies in this woman’s kitchen.
With a degree in fashion design, Charlotte was an accomplished seamstress (her last-minute repair of the best man’s tuxedo pants saved my wedding). She was also a gifted kindergarten and first grade teacher. She could take children who seemed hopelessly lost at school and turn them into readers. Her classroom was a safe, loving place for children from all walks of life – rural farm workers, immigrants, townies – anyone who needed an education in her little corner of Georgia.
Charlotte treasured books. She taught her students to love the feel of a book in their hands, to treat books as almost sacred objects. “Don’t leave that book on the floor!” she’d cry. “Take care of it! Treat it the way you would treat your best friend!” She also adored animals of every kind, and was never without a pet.
This woman now lives with dementia. Her condition is different from my mom’s. Mom almost certainly has Alzheimer’s disease. My mother-in-law’s dementia is probably the result of multiple mini-strokes over the course of decades, one of which left her unconscious for almost twenty-four hours.
She’d like nothing more than to move back into the house she was living in when her cognitive problems began – the same house where my husband and I baked those cookies forty years ago. She’s angry that her house has been sold, angry that life has taken this bizarre turn. Why can’t she go home? Why did we sell her furniture? What have we done with her mother’s silver?
It must be so frustrating for her. It’s certainly frustrating for the people who care for her.
We recently found something that seems to lift her out of the anger for a while (besides pictures of her grandchildren, which have always helped). She still loves books, especially large photo books, the kind you put on your coffee table for a few years and wind up donating to the thrift store — National Geographic books, Life Magazine albums, art museum catalogs, old comic strip collections. And of course, books about animals.
My husband snatches these up from libraries and thrift stores, packs them in a rolling suitcase, and takes them to the nursing home. They bring Charlotte a few moments of joy, a chance to forget her disappointments and lose herself in a good book. I don’t know how much longer she’ll be able to enjoy them – she’s very withdrawn – but for now, they provide a tiny window into a world she loves, a world where books are treasures and she is still the patient woman who taught so many children to read.