Good Enough?

Hey, did you know that everyone makes mistakes? And that nobody’s perfect? Literally NOBODY, y’all. I keep learning this lesson, over and over and over and over and over. Specifically about myself, but it’s helpful to remember that it applies to all of us.

My dad, may he rest in peace, was a perfectionist. And when I say, “May he rest in peace,” I really mean it, because it’s hard to be at peace when you think you’re supposed to be perfect. It’s hard to admit that you’re not going to get everything right. Dad was great at so many things that I suspect he thought he had to be great at everything. He would start a new project, and then see that he wasn’t going to be able to do it perfectly, and leave it to finish later . . . and sometimes, for want of perfection, later never came.

I’m starting some projects right now. I’m not going to tell you what they are, because I’m afraid they’ll suffer the same fate as my singing recital. You know, the one I was definitely going to do in January?  If you’ll recall, I canceled it when I realized how far from perfect my singing actually was. I still plan to come back to it – to “finish it later”, if you will – but for now it’s on hold, because my standards are too high for my own good.

Kinda like Dad’s.

But Dad learned from his perfectionism, and by the time he was in his sixties, he had mellowed a good bit. He had an expression, probably from his early days in the Army Corps of Engineers, that got him through most projects: “Good enough for government work.” (Only he said “gummint work”, a reference to his beloved Pogo.)

When my daughter was born, Dad wanted to help me get over my own perfectionism and enjoy motherhood. Because he had studied psychology (along with engineering, philosophy, theology, etc.), he talked to me at some length about the writings of Donald Winnicott, who proposed the theory of the Good Enough Mother. You know what’s best for your baby, Dad told me. Perfectionism will only get in the way. Your child needs you, not some Stepford Wife version of the ideal mom.

Of course, my first thought was “Oh God, Daddy, why did you tell me that? Now I have to figure out how to be Perfectly Good Enough!” When you care, when you want to do things right, when a thing isn’t worth doing unless it’s done to perfection, it can be really hard to get out of your own way.

Despite my doubts, motherhood did create a pathway to a “good enough” mindset. Every day was a new opportunity to fall short of perfection. The baby cried and I couldn’t always comfort her. She threw up on my clothes and floor. Her needs took precedence over the housework and laundry. She would not go to sleep. She got ear infections all the time, and we had to choose between making her more comfortable with antibiotics and keeping her off of antibiotics so she wouldn’t become resistant to them. There were lots of ways for my husband and me to be good parents, but there was absolutely no way to get everything right.  We did our best and got on with it.

Good enough,” I would say to myself, at the end of a long day. And “Nobody’s perfect.” And the best phrase, the one I read in some parenting book and posted over the kitchen sink: “Nobody’s keeping score.”

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Funny how things work out. Eighteen years later, my baby has been accepted at the college of her choice, and seems perfectly (that word again!) ready to leave the nest. Her “good enough” childhood has prepared her for life in an imperfect world, just as Winnicott and my dad said it would. If ever there was a moment to celebrate success, this is it.

Yet ironically, at this time when I should be resting on my laurels and breathing a sigh of relief, I am fighting the demons of perfectionism again.

Will my new projects be successful? Will my husband and I become the happy, productive empty-nesters pictured in the AARP Bulletin? Will I ever make Real Money? Will I find new ways to use my talents as I age into the next phase of my career? Or is my best work – as a parent, as an actress, as a person – behind me? There is so much I still want to do!

I can hear my dad’s voice saying, “What are you afraid of, Carolyn? Screwing up? Because you’re going to screw up. You have to get your heart broken. You have to be willing to fail. Perfectionism will only get in the way.”

It’s the voice of experience, and I know it’s speaking the hard, honest, but ultimately liberating truth. I know that my next task is to experiment my way into the future, doing my best, but not keeping score.

I was a good enough mother. Now it’s time to relax and be a good enough me.

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2 thoughts on “Good Enough?

  1. I find this time as a Great Time of Change Carolyn. For me, for many people I speak to these days. You are one of the most awesome people I know. Love the pictures here and your words. Words are so important. All my love during your Big Change, New Chapter, Sing a Song of Joy for life is always changing… –your Cat

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